Struggles--the Ones No One Talks About

Writing what’s on my heart for once instead of just about our adventures in CA--although this topic has actually been a large portion of our adventure that a lot of people don’t know about.

Bennett--caring, emapthetic, stubborn, inventive, curious, energetic, and many more.  One word/phrase that I’ve never used to describe him until now is anxiety driven.  Let me go back to when I could see some of these traits--but I never attributed it to anxiety until now.  Warning:  this is a LONG blog!

Stubborn--won't let us take off the training wheels, but he doesn't need them!

August 2013--we moved from Katy, TX to Conroe, TX right after Bennett turned 2 in August 2013. We moved into a hotel while we searched for a home. We changed daycares from the one he’d been at since he was 11 weeks old. We changed churches from the one he was dedicated in and we’d been members of since we got married. Then we changed daycares again since the one we were at continued to make Riley sick (another long story!).

November 2013--I walked into the newest daycare every day with one of two situations:  2 happy kids (very rare) or one infant being thrown into the infant room while one toddler was screaming in the car. I cried most days as I walked in carrying B to his room, and I thank God that he was a kid who, once he’s in a situation he’s comfortable in, calms down quickly. I was also thankful for amazing teachers who saw how fun and curious he is and bragged on his strengths all the time! The office director often gave me hugs and let me cry it out with her as I rushed out to go teach. I voiced my concerns with her about him having a variation of autism and although I could tell she didn’t see it the same way (she had an autistic child, so she was very supportive), she was my biggest encourager of having him seen by a doctor to check everything out.  I finally did this in December of 2013 and Bennett showed no signs of having any form of autism. Enter a sigh of relief for me….

Summer 2014--swim lessons at the YMCA. We had a pool at home, so swimming lessons were a must!  I bought 2 lessons to split between both kids--a thirty minute lesson split to 15 minutes each. Bennett was old enough for small group lessons, but refused to participate, so a group with brother seemed like it would work! Riley cried while he could see me, but did okay for a 1 year old after that. Bennett screamed for about the first 10 minutes and did a little for the last 5. I was so embarrassed after this 30 minutes of hell that instead of staying and swimming at a fun pool with slides, etc., I carried out 2 screaming kids! I couldn’t figure out why my happy children were terrified of the pool when we were in it at home almost daily during the summer and I was 30 feet away. Guess I should’ve hidden out, but I was always doing something with the child not in the water!

March/April 2015--We signed Bennett up for TBall at the YMCA because he could be on a team with several of his daycare friends. He was just over 3.5 years old and although we knew it might be a little early, we thought it might be a fun way to get him involved.  WRONG!  During the first practice, he insisted that “no one look at him while he went up to bat” and would not participate other than the one time he practiced batting. Games were worse and all I could say is thank goodness most games were cancelled due to rain!  Out of 8 games, 4 were cancelled, one he sat on the sidelines, and one daddy actually got him to hit/run/etc. The last 2 were makeup games---I faked him being sick the last one because I was tired of fighting a 3 year old on a TBall game!

May - August 2015--Gymnastics--Bennett loved My Gym when he was 1 and we lived in Katy, so I thought I’d be winner of the “Mom of the Year” award and sign both kids up for it in The Woodlands.  He loved it, but continued to get in trouble at least once a lesson because he had a hard time waiting for 7 other kids to do the specific objective. I realized then that he needed movement. All. The. Time. I took plenty of activities to keep him busy while Riley was in his separate class that I had to attend, but most days it was fruitless. I had to help him half the class because he wanted me right beside him helping him build, color, etc instead of helping Riley in class. Once summer was over, I didn’t re-enroll. It was just too much for me. I couldn’t handle 2 kids in 2 separate classes and other parents staring.  Looking back, I saw what a 3-4 year old saw: he was sitting with a group of adults he didn’t know while mommy was not giving him any attention (in his eyes) and he couldn’t get to me unless an adult opened the gate to the play area.

Summer 2015 (swimming)--same as last summer...take #2. Same deal with Bennett refusing group lessons. Riley loved playing in the water and so did B!  Success???  A little bit more!  Not much changed, but got both boys more comfortable in the water. We did a few more fun swim times at the YMCA pool since it had a teeny splashpad--loads of snacks and making sure it was after nap time helped a little!

January -August 2016

Gymnastics--found a place where both boys could be in the same class---and I didn’t have to be involved!  I felt I’d reached a new level---sit-on-the-sideline-mommy level!  SCORE!!!  Both boys excelled. Riley needed gymnastics to work on his balance and Bennett needed it to get out the energy, but also because he was good at it. Almost too good for the group he was in. His coach and I agreed that he was actually ready a little bit early to move up to the 5 year old group before he turned 5. The problem?  It was a group of 5-7 year old boys, they didn’t get stickers at the end, you didn’t have a coach who loved on you, and brother wasn’t in the same class. Bennett hated it and if he hated it, Riley soon learned that he could complain about it too. Once again I was back in my boat--unhappy screaming, crying children and a mom who has a hard time controlling her anger at these situations. When I say situation, what I really mean is me sitting near the class of kids holding a crying kid, and fuming at the same time. When we switched to afternoon classes for the summer sessions, my 2 children wouldn’t even let us sit in the bleachers with all the other parents. We had to sit on the side where the infant/toddler/preK classes were held since it wasn’t as packed. I attributed some of Bennett’s reactions to the coach that he got because honestly, he wasn’t great, but even changing classes/coaches didn’t help, so we quit about a month later. I was sad because I thought this would be the sport that changed things---the boys would have something they were happy with and I’d be happy they got energy out!  Both of them told me they didn’t want to do gym any more, but of course 2 weeks later they both changed their minds. I told them that at that moment, mommy needed a break. By this time it was August and Jeff had lost his job and was about to start a new one in Mexico and leave us until we moved out to CA with him. Whoa nelly!

It was around this time that Jeff mentioned that Bennett probably would be like him and not like team sports. This is not something I wanted to hear. At all. It wasn’t the first time it was mentioned, but it was becoming more of a reality since Bennett was now 4.5 - 5 and doing the same things he did the year before as far as actions go.

Swimming 2016--decided that I would never again do public swimming lessons and got recommendations from the NextDoor app for swimming teachers. We HIT GOLD people! Miss Sherry was the “Swimming Lesson Goddess” for both boys and since she came to our home to do lessons, it was even better!  Both boys took almost immediately to Miss Sherry (of course it took Bennett longer) and would do anything she asked because she found their heartsong--the Top Tadpole Award!  Each week somebody would do something to earn them an amazing picture drawn by Miss Sherry and adorned with stickers!  Let me tell you...I’ve saved all of them for scrapbooking!  To this day, they still do anything in the pool if I say “Let’s show Missy Sherry” or something like that!

In June 2016 we switched preschools again because we found an amazing Christian school near our house that I really liked and my boss let me work my tutoring hours around the school hours for the boys. We knew the switch would be hard, but like I said….the school was WONDERFUL!  I was able to drop both boys off in the same classroom so they had their “safety net” right there with them to start the day. The perfect PreK teacher that Bennett got (the one I secretly wanted him to have when I saw the school for the first time) had about a million toys (all in perfect PreK organized chaos) and the boys LOVED that they could play together as soon as I dropped them off. It helped the transition to have all these things randomly in place. I know realize how deeply important each one of these was to my tender boy’s heart and soul and he loved this school with all his heart. They both did and still talk about it lovingly--even though they attended it for only 7 months!

So...we’re about up to date with our story. Now we get to the present time--2017. Jeff moved to El Centro, CA. We bought a travel trailer to live/travel in and planned on treating this entire situation as one big adventure. Daddy was gone for 15 days and would come home for 6. The boys and I got into our rhythm during our 15 days alone and had to modify it when daddy came home--and then again as he left. Each of us was thrilled when we packed up our house/car/UHaul, etc and moved to CA---we are not a family that enjoys being apart for long!

Schools--an important choice to make when moving your children. Due to a few reasons we decided to only focus on Christian schools. We looked at three. We were happy with three. There was one I preferred. But there was a huge, looming-in-the-air CON. No. Single. Place. Had. A. Spot. For. Both. Of. My. Children. N-O-W-H-E-R-E!  Did I make myself clear?  Not. A. Single. Place!!!  (Can you tell that 4.5 months down the road that I’m still frustrated at this?) There was literally ONE preK opening for Riley in the entire town (since I wanted to only do Christian schools). Nowhere would let Bennett, at 5.5 years old and in PreK (since he’s our August baby and we’d kept him out of Kinder), into a PreK. (I did learn about a month after being here that the public schools have TK--transitional Kinder or something--but you have to have a birthday during a certain date range, and neither of my kids fit that option. Bennett would have to be put into a Kindergarten class if we wanted him enrolled anywhere. So...I did what a helpless mother does in a new town with nothing of importance shared on the Internet as far as resources for, oh, anything, and I let my 5 year old decide where he wanted to attend Kindergarten. I knew what he would pick. I knew it didn’t match my first choice. I also knew that they would love him and work with our family. He did pick what I knew he would and the only con to that choice was that the curriculum was completely different than anything I’d ever seen before as a teacher. I knew it would at least work for one semester and then we’d revisit the situation. The goal was to get him into a spot where he would feel comfortable.

So here’s why I described all of my children’s extracurricular activities in the first part of this blog:  It took me 2 months to get anyone to agree to anything here in CA!

• Soccer--No.
• Gymnastics--No. Although they do love the Open Gym days. Bennett just says that he wants to “do what he wants to do--he doesn’t want to follow a teacher”, and Riley didn’t like the fact that they took the younger kids to a back room with more PreK friendly gym toys and he couldn’t see us sitting in the parent area.
• Karate--No. Even though a friend takes karate. They’ll watch his class and point out the building every time we drive by….but still no. (Although Riley has told me lately that when he turns 5, he’ll probably be good at Karate!)
• AWANA at Church--Yes for Riley, but HELL No for Bennett.
• Trying out different churches--yes for Riley, but once again H*#& No for Bennett. 
• Crossfit Classes--YES!  Well, actually only a yes for Riley, but Bennett might come around. I call it Ninja class b/c both boys love the Power Rangers and love to play that or ninja something. I’ll take it!  Riley absolutely loves the class and Bennett will do the moves on the side, so I’ll take it!

Just last month (first week of April in fact) I heard Bennett happily interacting with a few kids at school. This made my momma heart happy because since we’ve moved he has not had any normal social interactions with kids his age outside of school. The other kids have always been so friendly to him and I’m just so happy that he’s finally letting them see his fun personality!

This kid!  Quiet one second...bursting the next!

Happy to explore and use his imagination.

The struggles aren’t over. We are going to be changing schools next year. We do love where he is now, but we need a place where both boys can go and the curriculum will match wherever we might move to next. We realize that this social anxiety is something that will probably show up again the next time we move and we’re just trying to do what we can to minimize the damage when the time comes. I’m currently going to therapy to work on my own anger and anxiety issues and I’ve told the therapist that I want Bennett in as well when the time comes because he is my mini-me.  Going to therapy has helped me begin to see where he is---not why he won’t do what I think he should be doing. Although Jeff has told me for years that I have unrealistic expectations and I’ve never agreed with him, maybe it’s actually true (but don’t tell him I said so!).

Life is certainly not perfect, but we’re happy. We’re getting happier in regards to certain aspects of life. We love that we are living in a smaller space and are closer to each other than before. I’m seeing that my actions definitely need working on, but I feel I’m headed in a good direction to help not only myself, but my children as well. If they don’t learn certain things from Jeff and me, they’ll learn them elsewhere and that’s not going to happen! (Maybe that “stubborn” quality I mentioned earlier that Bennett has was given to him by me!).

Thanks for sticking around to read one story in our “not so perfect” life!